Monday, July 21, 2014

Damn You, Kindle Unlimited!

Blaming Kindle Unlimited for the fact that I'm reading the trashiest book in the entire world could probably be construed by some as not taking responsibility for my actions and choices. Yeah, well, shut up.

I didn't watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight while it was on, because I had a sinking suspicion it was a modern day version of the Dion quintuplets. But above it all I was not - I followed the Kate gossip, probably because perfectionist type-As like Kate trigger my insecurities. She's my natural enemy. I'd mostly forgotten about the Gosselins, but when I saw I could read this book for free, well, don't mind if I do! It's been quite enlightening. 

I've learned that:

  • Kate is a slut.
  • Kate is judgmental.
  • Kate is religious.
  • Kate is not religious.
  • Kate is a mastermind who had planned to have "Higher Order Multiples" and exploit them since her late teens/early 20s.
  • Kate is stupid.
  • Kate used her magical female powers to ensnare many a hapless, unsuspecting gentleman.
  • Kate is a desperate loser who couldn't land a single doctor; had to settle for a doctor's son.
  • Kate was irresponsible, handing the Discovery channel full control of her family.
  • Kate was ungracious to the good folks at the Discovery channel.
  • Kate is insanely controlling and micromanages every detail of her children, family, and life. She would never, ever let one thing go.
  • Kate threw years worth of personal journals, notes and emails in the garbage outside her house at the height of her divorce scandal, knowing the author and several other journalists were camped outside her house all the time.
  • The author, Robert Hoffman, disapproves of the way Kate uses her children to earn a living.
  • Robert used Kate's children to earn a living. 
  • Kate doesn't do her own grocery shopping.
  • Whole Foods is an hour away from her house, so Kate commutes. She does this without any consideration for Robert, who must follow her there on his own dime. 
  • Robert stands to gain nothing from this book, and is only writing it out of deep concern for the Gosselin children. He loves those kids!
  • Robert risked getting those sweet, innocent kids in trouble with the mother he fears may hurt them by sneaking them donuts, specifically because he knew they were not allowed to have them. It's possible he lured them into breaking two rules, since they probably aren't allowed to take candy from strangers, either. 
  • Robert has no agenda.
  • Robert and Kate's ex-husband are BFFs.
  • Kate doesn't care what you think.
  • Kate cares too much what you think.
  • Robert is a "Gosselin insider" who knows Kate very, very well.
  • Aside from one terse conversation, Robert has never spoken to Kate.
  • Kate doesn't do enough to protect her children from predators.
  • Kate is inexplicably hostile toward Robert, a strange man who stood outside her house and watched her children every day, making overt attempts to groom them (see: contraband donuts).
  • Kate is a germaphobe who is obsessed with cleanliness. This makes her cold and unfeeling.
  • Kate is a slob - the neatness was all Jon, who is neat because he is good.
  • Robert doesn't have to make a case here at all, because Kate does it herself. He will show you who she is in her own words.
  • Kate's has an interesting way of referring to herself. Her own words are third person paraphrases without quotes around them.
  • Kate is a terrible writer who blogs when she should be watching her kids!!! She also overuses exclamation points.
  • You think Kate writes that well-written blog herself? Think again! She has ghost writers.
  • In an ideal world, Kate would have come from a loving family, had parents and siblings who adored her, been shy with boys, dreamed every single night of the husband and children she would one day have, and eventually lived to see that dream realized.
  • Sadly, Kate's family was not loving, she was not shy with boys, she was obsessed* with the husband and children she would one day have, and eventually that dream was realized. 
I'm only at 18%. If I read further, I'm told I'll learn she's also guilty of animal cruelty. She didn't close her gate one day and her dogs got out, forcing her to have the aforementioned terse conversation with the author. At times, she has even mentioned loving her kids. Doesn't that seem a little suspicious? Everyone loves their kids. Why would you feel the need to say it, unless you didn't actually love them?

*Good girls passively dream, Bad girls actively obsess. I don't think I have to tell you what kind of girl Kate is. 


2 comments:

  1. I am going to need you to blog the rest of this "book", be warned!!! XOXOX

    ReplyDelete
  2. I probably won't be able to help myself ;-)

    ReplyDelete